Aliens

I make a habit of keeping up-to-date with what's going on in the universe around us. That's why there is a toaster orbiting our planet with my name on it at the cost of thousands of dollars per month. Not to mention the ever-growing interest rate on the clothes hanger my mom loaned me to make the antenna. But hey, it works.

So anyway, this morning I was at my computer monitoring my 'satellite' when an alien began transmitting text to my screen. The following conversation ensued:

Alien: Greetings earthling.
Me: Greetings. What heavenly body do you hail from?

Excuse me, may I interrupt myself for one moment? Thank you. A necessary side note: When asking an alien where they are from, never use the word 'planet.' Not all aliens are from a planet, and many that are find the term impersonal, derogatory, and even rude. ‘Heavenly body’ is the safe way to go.

Al: I cannot disclose the location of my planet. However, I am in the Milky Way.
Me: Understood. Shall we switch over to SGC then? (Same Galaxy Communication)
Al: Affirmative.

There was a click, a whirr, and something that sounded almost completely unlike a stampede of buffalo. Then the alien's voice emanated from my computer speakers.

Al: Can you hear me?
Me: Erm... you're very soft.
Al: Can you hear me now?
Me: Yes. Ow. (I quickly adjusted the volume.) Am I coming through ok?
Al: Loud and clear. (Though I have been calling it Al, the alien’s voice was distinctly feminine.)
Me: Good.
Alicia: It is rumored that you earthlings don't communicate with many aliens, is this true?
Me: It is quite true. We rarely ever communicate. I have only been in contact with three this entire week.
Alicia: It is too bad.

*He hemm* Pleasantries, pleasantries, news, news, blah blah blah. I’m skipping to the good stuff.

20 minutes later:
Me: You are an interesting species. Could you send me a picture? (It's strange, but although 'planet' is considered derogatory, 'species' is not.)
Alicia: Picture? Do you speak of an artist’s work?
Me: No, no… um… (All this high tech space gadgetry up my sleeves, and I can’t even explain what a photograph is… go figure.)
Alicia: Do you refer to a digital representation? I have one of myself.
Me: Yes. Yes. That’s perfect. Do you have any way of transmitting it to my satellite?
Alicia: Yes, I will do that for you. But it may take a while. I do not have DSL.
Me: Understood.

At this time, NASA launched a deep space probe from that secret base in Kentucky that nobody knows about, and well, you know how much interference those things create. After that, our conversation consisted of a series of Whats, Huhs, and CouldYouRepeatThats. All intelligence went down the drain.

At one point I tried asking her out, but I don't think she heard me correctly. She responded with something along the lines of "Yes, we too have many variations of bacon on our planet." That was when I dubbed our conversation 'not going anywhere', and began wrapping it up. I swear, language gaps I can cover, it's NASA space probes that drive me crazy.

The 'digital representation' finished transmitting moments before we broke contact. I downloaded it to my computer and had a look. Oddly enough, this alien almost perfectly resembles Elvis's mother. But maybe she was just messing with me.