Spider

Read slowly for full effect. Envision. Imagine.

Imagine this: a spider. You have an image in your head. But it's not the right image. No no, I'm talking about a big spider. A HUGE spider.

Now you think you know what I'm talking about. You think you understand; you've got it all straight now. You're still wrong. When I said huge, I meant huge.

You envisioned something pretty small. You know a new-born baby? That's pretty small. So when I said "huge spider", why did you envision something smaller than a newborn baby? That's just illogical. Imagine huge.

Ok, ok, NOW you understand, right? When I say huge, I mean huge. Now, I'm not sure where your imagination has gone with this yet, but I assume you're probably comparing sizes with that Lord Of The Rings spider, or maybe that Harry Potter spider. But those spiders are tiny compared to the idea that I'm trying to get across.

Try to imagine: you have never imagined a spider this large. Picture it. Now, I'm no expert, but maybe in your head right now you're looking at a spider the size of a city, or a mountain. Well, you are now. And your common sense is telling you that anything much bigger than that is just impractical to imagine, because it would upset the very foundations of our social structure and economy. Maybe even the weather.

Now I'm tangenting, forgive me... Imagine an entire civilization living on a speck of dust. Imagine them going on in their own little world, economizing economics, structuring structures, and stealing Christmases. Would they be worried about us big humans upsetting their balance? Could we upset them if we tried? They would be so small, we couldn't even affect them. Now, imagine that the earth is that speck of dust. Now imagine a spider next to it.

*pause, for dramatic effect*

No. You're still thinking too small. What you see now is a normal spider that makes the earth look like a speck of dust. Remember that spider that was the size of a mountain? Imagine THAT spider next to the speck of dust that is our earth. Think harder. Envision it: our earth, suspended in space; this spider, making us look like a speck of dust on Mount Everest. It's hard to comprehend. Just think about it again, I'm not so sure you've got it yet.

This creature would be unknown to us earthlings, because it is so large it doesn't even affect us. I'm talking about a spider the size of our galaxy, the Milky Way. A spider, yes, in the fact that it has eight legs. But any other resemblance to an earthly arachnid is only speculation. There is no knowing. How it moves, from galaxy to galaxy. How it breathes. What it eats. This cosmic spider is as mysterious as it is large. There is no knowing.
Now you see this big, huge, giant, cosmic, TITANIC spider. So, imagine with me. Imagine with me for just one second:

Spiders.

Challenge For The Mentally Elite

This requires all your deductive reasoning and mental skills. If you have none, or have not polished them in a while, you may choose to lose. By not trying. I hope this post is as vague as it is supposed to be, because it is supposed to be vague. Go figure. If you win, you'll know it. I promise. And yes, this is totally serious. So go for it, and try hard. Do your best.

Just one little push to get you going in the right direction, and I'll say it Again: #072305

Enjoy the hunt!

EDIT: We have our first winner! High score list time...

1. Dan Albright

Recommended

I'm getting one thing clear already, ok? A book list is NOT the same thing as a reading list. Reading Lists imply school, boredom, weathered books and overdue fines. Had the following post been a reading list, the title may have been "Required". However, the following is a book list. A Book List, for those of you with little or no deductive ability, is simply this: A list of books. In this case, they are books that I personally have enjoyed, and am therefore recommending to you.

Through The Looking Glass -Lewis Carroll
A sequel to the astoundingly popular children's tale "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland", this book is a complete enjoyment for anyone who agrees with the philosophy 'random is funny'. Ye Strong Bad lovers, beware. Lewis Carroll can almost touch the greatness. Around 100 pages long, this book is worth a read on a rainy day, and will keep you laughing and thinking, "They did random back then? Wow."

Tuck Everlasting -Natalie Babbit
A beautifully written story about a family that lives forever. This book amazed me, because I had seen the movie first, and when I read the book I couldn't help but think that the movie was better. Definitely worth a read, but I also recommend the movie for an emotional twist.

A Night To Remember -Walter Lord
Nonfiction, and the only nonfiction book I have ever enjoyed. This book takes the reader along on the voyage and sinking of the Titanic. For those not interested in the Titanic, read this book and I promise you will be. And I can't even explain why. Gripping.

A Wrinkle in Time -Madeleine L'Engle
I put this book on the list mainly because I want to make fun of the author's name. L'Engle? Haha! What a dumb name! Ok, I'm done now. But seriously, some parts of this book are really good, and others'll put you to sleep. The determined reader may enjoy it. I recommend it only as a last resort.

Of course, once MY book is published it'll be on the top of that list. But until such a time as that may be, you might as well read these gems. Their covers are all good, too.

Inspiration? Anyone? Please?

There are only two things in this world that can stop a good writer from writing well:
1. Lack of Inspiration
2. Death

Although "severed limbs" also comes to mind, there are ways to work around that.

I'm suffering from one of the two aforementioned problems. That's right, I am dead.

???

Bic-ography

The complete life, trials, achievements, and sorrows of the pen, as told by someone who has never been one, but considers his pen a very good friend (and therefore knows what he is talking about) :

You may think the lives of pens are simple. That is understandable; most people think of pens as objects with no relationships, no emotions... no worries whatsoever. However, most people have never put themselves in the pen's shoes. Which may be because pens don't wear shoes.

A pen has absolutely no decision making abilities, no control of its life. It is subject to the wit, will, and whim of the hand that holds it. Imagine being a pen in the hands of a toddler. Suddenly, your purpose in life has been reduced to creating random scribblings to be hung on the refrigerator door and mock admired by doting parents. None of your creations actually matter, and all will end up in the trash bin within the week. And that is if you're lucky! The truth is, you are more likely to spend your time exploring the kid's mouth than the surface of the page.

But that is, undoubtedly, a worst case scenario. Things could be better. For instance, imagine being in the hands of a terrorist leader. Used as a powerful tool for planting terror in the hearts of innocent people, you would share responsibility for ransom notes and death threats that, at the hand of another, you literally penned. So much power... so much destruction.

But if you think that's bad, you still know nothing. The majority of pens throughout the world live in hell. Welcome to high school life. Fact: 50% of all high school students don't know the color of the pen that they use.* Why do you suppose that is? It's because they don't care. The high school pen lives most of its life jostled around in a dark backpack, lost among semester-old notes and forgotten pieces of gum. Sporadically, a dirty hand reaches in and finds it, taking it out and using it with the utmost contempt to take illegible notes that will not be reviewed later, and at the first opportunity, back into the backpack the pen goes. All this pen lives for is the fleeting relief of being dropped in the hallway, to breathe fresh air as it is kicked about by hundreds of kids until some poor, head-hung-low reject notices it, picks it up, and begins the routine all over again.

But oh!, to be in the hands of a writer! The author's companion, the journalist's best friend! To go out and see the world, and be held in the utmost respect as you write beautiful descriptions of far-off lands and imaginary paradises... until you run out of ink and are tossed into the recycling bin. Pens don't believe in reincarnation: it's too depressing.

So now I have related to you the genuine feelings of our greatest overlooked accessory: the pen. If you really care, treat your pen with more respect from now on. Wait, actually, if you really care... you're a moron.

*Don't tell anyone, but this is actually a result of the fact that half of all high schoolers use pencil.

By Its Cover

"You can't judge a book by its cover." That's what they say. But consider: Have you ever picked a book from a shelf, glanced at it, and put it back without a second thought? Then you, too, have fallen into the dreaded, horrid, terrible normalcy of judging books by their covers. Relax. It's no sin, I promise.

In fact, there is an art to snagging the uninformed reader, and it lies almost entirely in the cover of a book. When you are perusing the shelves of your library or bookstore, the first thing you see of any book is the spine, and more importantly, the prominently displayed title. Consider the widely popular book: "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." Had it been titled "Little Harry Goes to School", very few people would have taken it from the shelf to begin with, and its smashing success may have been more than slightly dampened, all because of the title. But as it stands, its title is, for many of us, worth a second look. So off the shelf it comes.

Next, and possibly most importantly, comes the second impression... the cover art. Imagine picking up a book to find that the cover was merely a striped pattern done in two very boring shades of blue. Oh, and with the title printed neatly across the middle in black, Times New Roman, size 24 font. Surely that would make you want to open the book! "What new and exciting shades of blue will I find within these pages?" you say. No? Oh.

*Silence... just to make a point.*

To go back to our Harry Potter book, the first thing you see after pulling it off the shelf is the beautifully painted cover by renowned artist Mary Grandpre. If nobody ever judged books by their covers, people like Mary would be out of a job, a waste of talent if you ask me.

After the cover art comes the decisive first line, first page, or possibly the whole first chapter for more picky readers. But none of that would even matter if you hadn't first been compelled to open the book. And with all these thousands of books floating around, how would we ever choose any if we didn't first judge their covers?

Of course, you would point out that the "can't judge a book by its cover" phrase more accurately implies that you "can't judge a book [CORRECTLY] by its cover." And yet, if the author is SO talented that he/she can't string together four or five words interestingly for a title, why should we believe they can hold our interest for an entire novel? Similarly, if the cover art is non-existant, that holds other implications. Is not a single scene in the book worthy of remembrance by illustration? Or maybe the author just doesn't care enough to sketch up a little eye-pleaser for the reader.

So now that you have been enlightened to the fact that you probably do judge every book you see by its cover, whether consciously or subconsciously, I will leave you with this: keep doing it. Judge every book by its cover, and may your intuition lead you through green pastures of enjoyable reading for all of your days. No you may not quote me on that.

Proposed Prologue to "Titor"

The first serious thing on this blog. Enjoy.

It was the worst of times. Period. The world balanced on the edge of nuclear war, waiting for one small shove to send it plunging into a sea of mass destruction. And nobody could see it coming. The civilian majority of the world was blind to the oncoming oblivion, and the few who were wary enough to glance in that direction quickly shut their eyes or turned away.

America was the world power at that time, and only with its wide reach did it succeed in holding the planet upright on the cliff's edge. But America was growing tired. Already, seeds of civil unrest were growing in the deepest parts of the American people. If given the chance, these seeds could take root and grow into a disease, a cancer that would slowly but surely destroy America from within. In the past, in the days of segregation and the slaves, America had tasted that poison, and had barely, even miraculously, pulled through alive.

But that was in the past.

Learn from the past. That was a common phrase that drifted around in those days.
Easier said than done... that was another one.

America had never been too good at learning from its mistakes. But if they slipped up this time, the entire human race was at risk. Already, they were slipping. Already, nations fell slowly from their grasp, one by one becoming victims of their own hatred. Lies, threats, mushroom cloud: that was always how it went. America would never learn from the past. Perhaps they could learn from the future?

It was the worst of times.
It is the worst of times.

Aliens

I make a habit of keeping up-to-date with what's going on in the universe around us. That's why there is a toaster orbiting our planet with my name on it at the cost of thousands of dollars per month. Not to mention the ever-growing interest rate on the clothes hanger my mom loaned me to make the antenna. But hey, it works.

So anyway, this morning I was at my computer monitoring my 'satellite' when an alien began transmitting text to my screen. The following conversation ensued:

Alien: Greetings earthling.
Me: Greetings. What heavenly body do you hail from?

Excuse me, may I interrupt myself for one moment? Thank you. A necessary side note: When asking an alien where they are from, never use the word 'planet.' Not all aliens are from a planet, and many that are find the term impersonal, derogatory, and even rude. ‘Heavenly body’ is the safe way to go.

Al: I cannot disclose the location of my planet. However, I am in the Milky Way.
Me: Understood. Shall we switch over to SGC then? (Same Galaxy Communication)
Al: Affirmative.

There was a click, a whirr, and something that sounded almost completely unlike a stampede of buffalo. Then the alien's voice emanated from my computer speakers.

Al: Can you hear me?
Me: Erm... you're very soft.
Al: Can you hear me now?
Me: Yes. Ow. (I quickly adjusted the volume.) Am I coming through ok?
Al: Loud and clear. (Though I have been calling it Al, the alien’s voice was distinctly feminine.)
Me: Good.
Alicia: It is rumored that you earthlings don't communicate with many aliens, is this true?
Me: It is quite true. We rarely ever communicate. I have only been in contact with three this entire week.
Alicia: It is too bad.

*He hemm* Pleasantries, pleasantries, news, news, blah blah blah. I’m skipping to the good stuff.

20 minutes later:
Me: You are an interesting species. Could you send me a picture? (It's strange, but although 'planet' is considered derogatory, 'species' is not.)
Alicia: Picture? Do you speak of an artist’s work?
Me: No, no… um… (All this high tech space gadgetry up my sleeves, and I can’t even explain what a photograph is… go figure.)
Alicia: Do you refer to a digital representation? I have one of myself.
Me: Yes. Yes. That’s perfect. Do you have any way of transmitting it to my satellite?
Alicia: Yes, I will do that for you. But it may take a while. I do not have DSL.
Me: Understood.

At this time, NASA launched a deep space probe from that secret base in Kentucky that nobody knows about, and well, you know how much interference those things create. After that, our conversation consisted of a series of Whats, Huhs, and CouldYouRepeatThats. All intelligence went down the drain.

At one point I tried asking her out, but I don't think she heard me correctly. She responded with something along the lines of "Yes, we too have many variations of bacon on our planet." That was when I dubbed our conversation 'not going anywhere', and began wrapping it up. I swear, language gaps I can cover, it's NASA space probes that drive me crazy.

The 'digital representation' finished transmitting moments before we broke contact. I downloaded it to my computer and had a look. Oddly enough, this alien almost perfectly resembles Elvis's mother. But maybe she was just messing with me.

MPD: The Clincher

MPD: Multiple Personality Disorder (also: Schizophrenia)

Amazing. Pure genius. I can't believe how beautifully evil and twisted my mind is. Want to convince someone that he has MPD? Get that person to send an e-mail TO HIMSELF that he doesn't remember writing! Here's how:

1. Create a new e-mail message, and address it to your friend. (Example: schizophreniac@yahoo.com)

2. In the subject line, put something familiar to ensure that he assumes it is a personal message. (In this case, "To: Mr. Schizo, From: Steve")

3. Get creative. The following is an example. If you copy it, you aren't creative. I forgive you.
Dear Me,
By the time you are reading this, it will already be tomorrow. But last night, when I finally came to my senses, I wrote you a message to inform you of your problem. Yes, you have a problem. You have MPD. You don't realize it, but you have two personalities. I swear that this is true. But I'm sure that you won't believe me, because when you read this your brain will be blocking out what it's afraid of. But I think I have found a way to prove it, so if you're not convinced, please e-mail me back and I will give you more proof: the clincher.
Love,
You

4. This part is sheer genius. Underneath the "To:" line, you should find a line labeled "Reply To:"... (for Hotmail users, it's a bit more complicated. See below*) In this line, put THIS PERSON'S e-mail address. Now, when he clicks the reply button to write you back and ask you what you're freaking problem is, he'll send it to himself!

Send your message, and that, as they say, is that. When your friend checks his e-mail, he'll find one from you telling him he writes e-mails to himself. He hits "Reply" and writes a nasty letter back telling you you're crazy. The moment he sends it, it pops up in his inbox! Where is it from? His own address!

*For Hotmail users: Specifying a "Reply To:" e-mail address isn't so easy for you. Check it out.

Play Taboo! Win Every Time!

Here's a sure-fire method to never lose a game of Taboo! Before play begins, secretly confer with one of your teammates. When a word comes up that is too hard to work with... start stuttering! Pursuing an abstract train of thought, begin to say seemingly random words, so that the first letter of each word spells out the answer!

For instance, if the word is Chunky, you say:
"Creative? Hardly... um, no kidding... yeah."

Similarly, for the word Bacon:
"Brilliant arsons cook over nicely..."

Act flustered (frown, pull at your hair, etc). The other team will NEVER catch on!

"But Steve," you say, "that's cheating!" Is it? If you care to comb over the official rules of the game, you will find that it is perfectly fair! This 'method of gameplay' works for similar games as well. Amaze your friends! Never lose again!

The opinions stated above do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.

A Poem

He hemmm....

I have a chair. My chair has hair!
My hairy chair is over there.
Don’t wake it up. It sleeps! It’s snoring!
Really, now, my chair’s not boring!
Sometimes it will go play ball.
It throws a ball against a wall.
It cannot catch. It has no hands.
I catch the ball before it lands.
One day while we were playing catch
My chair fell right into a patch!
A patch! A BIG, HUGE patch of thorns!
Then, (who could guess) my chair grew horns!
I cut them off. They grew right back.
And so I put it in a sack
And mailed it off to Dr. Sornia,
Way, way out in California.
Later, a package came to me.
"My chair is back!" I yelled, "YIPEE!"
But THEN I saw it was a fake!
I’m sure I did a double-take!
For this chair’s hair was just a wig!
That Dr. Sornia, what a pig.
He’d sold my chair to a museum.
Horns and all! So all could see him.
He’d made a great, big, wad of bills
To pay for his pneumonia pills.
I sued that doctor dude, I did.
He sued me back and said, "That kid!"
"The chair I gave him sleeps and snores
"Has hair, no horns, and what is more,
"It’s electronic, it can fly!"
But then the judge said with a sigh,
"You’ve done an act of chair abuse.
"You’re much to dangerous to be loose.
"You’ll have to spend 9 years in jail.
"Without visitors, or bail."
And then, I got my chair back free.
Boy, does that chair sure love me!
And now I will not be forlorn.
I have a chair. My chair has horns!

Thank you, thank you...

MSN Messenger Conspiracy

Conspiracy: (n) an act done in secret, often illegal, that is hidden from the public by fabricated common knowledge (history, evidence, etc).

Take a close look at these two pictures. Recognize them? You should: they are the two most widely used emoticons on MSN Messenger. This yellow face has invaded computers all over the world with its charming features and blatant expressions. You probably feel like you know this yellow baldhead like you know your best friend. But do you?

Take one more look at those two headshots. Do you notice anything interesting or disturbing about either of them? How about the fact that one of them has eyebrows and the other doesn't! These MSN people have been trying to make us believe that there is only ONE yellow-headed baldy on our computer screens... when there are actually TWO! 13 of the 25 emoticons have eyebrows, while the other 12 do not!

Naturally, after realizing this disturbing matter, my team of experts went immediately to work to dig up the reason behind why MSN Messenger would go and pull a mean trick like that. As was expected, nobody would tell us anything. However, during the process of all our intense research, we found something deeper and equally disturbing.

Brace yourselves for this one. If you look closely at these two pictures, presumably of the same person (the guy with the eyebrows), you probably won't notice anything odd about them. But to the trained eye, the inconsistency is obvious. The face on the left is darker than the one on the right! I'm serious. Did this guy go tanning between photo shoots? Or is it possible that there are actually three yellow men, two with eyebrows and one without?! The speculations are endless...

What does all this mean? At the moment, we know little more than you do. As we uncover new facts and evidence, we will post them here to keep you, the naive public, informed. As for now, all we have is theories:

1. The MSN government may have become fed up with their model's constant demand for raises and publicity... how they got rid of him, nobody knows...

2. Maybe MSN scientists are breeding genetically altered humans with yellow heads, and are keeping them locked up in their underground laboratories, feeding them dogfood and forcing them to pose for photos...

3. Could it be that there is no yellow-headed man at all? That MSN is creating these realistic images with the help of state-of-the-art computer software? However unlikely, we cannot ignore this possibility...

If you have any other theories or leads, feel free to post comments. As I said, we are all very much still in the dark about the entire issue right now. If I were you, though, I would lock my doors at night.

Self Portrait

Some guy I know. Who looks a lot like me... yeah.

Original Intro

Dear readers,
Doesn't that sound so typical of something an author would write? Yeah, I agree.

Anyway, I figured I'd better put an introduction on my blog, for the sole purpose of being absolutely certain that nobody will ever read it. I mean seriously, who in their right mind reads introductions when the tantalizing 'good stuff' is just inches below? You obviously do. So, for anyone who is actually reading this, I just want to make one thing perfectly clear: Chunky Bacon.

Enjoy the blog!

Oh, and I suppose I should state the purpose of this blog, since (after all) this IS the introduction that nobody reads, and you're $UPPO$ED to put something in the introduction that is kinda important, just so that people miss out. I'm hoping that this blog is different than most blogs I've read, simply in the way that... it's enjoyable to read! I'm only going to post things here that I think you (the reader) will find enjoyable or entertaining. Ok, now this introduction is WAY too long, which just goes to confirm my suspicions that nobody will ever blah blah blah

Enjoy the blog!